It Is What It Is

I’m very frustrated. I’m here at the hospital in the infusion center starting my third new treatment. As my infusion started I wrote this very emotional post about how I’ve lost all the hope I once had.

The part about my complete emotional breakdown in front of the oncology nurse was a stellar piece of writing. Seriously, is there anything better than reading about me teetering on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Or the fact that the nurse wants to refer me to the hospital psychologist?

Really, that was sweet of her but I have a therapist I’ve been seeing off and on for seven years. She’s incredible and she helped my family deal with the death of Dude’s mom. I love her. The nurse just gave me the nudge I needed to give her a call.

However I tried posting from my iPhone and something went wonkafied. You should now thank God that you’ve been spared the spewing of my hopelessness and despair. Because seriously, who wants to read that crap.

To be honest, I’m tired of my own attitude and whining. Even though my closest friends have said over and over, “Lisa, if anyone has something to whine about it’s you.”

Bullshit. To my nearest and dearest friends…I love all of you but please, I’m begging you to revoke the “all access whining” pass you have given me this past month. It’s time for you to tell me to get out of my shit, O.K.?

When I get home from chemo today I’m making a call to my therapist. It’s all well and good that I took care of the medication aspect last month but that only addressed the physical part of depression. Like all diseases depression is multi-faceted…physical, emotional and spiritual.

Time to take care of the emotional part of both cancer and depression. I’m an adult and I can admit when I need help. I’m also not ashamed of it in any way either. In fact, I think it’s a travesty when people feel weak or shame in seeking out therapy. It can be life saving.

What do you think about therapy? Would you feel ashamed if needed counseling? Do you judge other people for seeking help? If you do judge them, why?

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Yesterday I took the first step in what should be a long, stressful battle towards filing for Social Security Disability Income.  I called an advocate who deals with SSDI all of the time to help eliminate some of the stress.  I’m meeting with her tomorrow so we can start the ball rolling.

After I got off the phone with her I had a complete breakdown.  The one thing I don’t need in my life right now is more stress.  My two biggest stressors are my health and money.  And the day is coming when my Unemployment Compensation is going to run out.

Then it occurred to me that I’ve had to fight for just about every thing in my life.  Nothing has been easy and it’s been that way since I was a child.  I’m just one of those people who has had to live with very hard circumstances all of my life.

Now here I am fighting for my life…and I’m tired.  Really, I’m tired of fighting.  I’m tired of every thing being so damn hard.

It’s a fact that cancer is going to kill me.  That’s how I am going to die.  I will have to suffer.  Yet, someone behind a desk at Social Security won’t give a shit.  To them I’ll just be another file to look at, to find reason to deny.

Some of you may be thinking, “Well why can’t she go to work?”  I have tumors in my abdomen that cause me so much pain I can’t sit up for more than two hours at a time nor do I have the energy to sit up more than two hours at a time.  I take pain killers that make me so drowsy that I sleep 16 to 18 hours a day.

And I’m still in pain.

You know those bad days I told you about?  This is one of them.  Carry on…

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The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. ~Dorothy Parker

If you’ve come out from behind your feed reader or read directly from my site you may have noticed something different about my site.  I read from Google’s feed reader and see your site from within the reader because Miss Britt offered these great instructions.  I’m down with technology like that.  Besides, I really dig that little monkey.

Anyway, I’ve decided to do away with the rotating pictures and go back to using my old header.  The rotating pictures were fun for a while but nothing says “Clusterfook” like a putrid green header, putrid green text and putrid green links.

I don’t even like green.  Especially the color green in my header.

I’m restless by nature and get bored easily.  If you have followed me for a long time then you know I’ve had at least 10 different themes.  For a while the gals at WDS did a lot of my themes.  Danalyn did an awesome, customized theme with an illustration of me flippin’ the bird.

Then one day last year I ventured out on my own when I found one of Randa Clay’s themes.  With her great instructions, my leftover knowledge and a few glasses of wine I came up with my own custom theme.

Oh, that leftover knowledge?  That would be from when I was a web designer…pre-2001.  That’s when every thing on the web changed and I went back to working full-time.  I went to school, Penn State University, and received my webmaster’s certification.  For a few years I worked part-time as a web designer.

I created my first site in 1997, by hand without a WYSIWYG editor.  Back in the day of horrid Winnie-the-Pooh graphics and Geocities.  In my own defense it was a website dedicated to my daughter and her premature birth…still there is no excuse for large Winnie-the-Pooh graphics.  I hope you can forgive me for committing such a horrible offense.

Unfortunately, the knowledge I learned eight years ago is practically useless but it gets me by when I want to do some things.  I could never design a site from the ground up but WordPress and CSS are pretty easy to use that I can maneuver my way around.

But, I’m bored with this design.  It lacks the pizazz and the colors I really love.  I just don’t know what to do with it. Hiring someone to redesign my site isn’t an option because I’ve got a truckload of medical bills to pay.

Can I just take a moment to thank Karen for her continuous donations.  She has been so very generous that I just don’t know how I can thank her…except to keep fighting until they find something that works.  Her donations have helped me pay a chunk of medical bills.

So, what to do with my website?  Should I just leave it be?  Or redesign?  Do you get bored with your blog design?  Do you feel that your design represents who you are and how people identify your blog?

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Eat, drink and be scary. ~Author Unknown

I want to thank every single person who took the time to share the things that they are grateful for.  You shared every thing from sweaters for a crisp Fall day to family and friends, to the medical options available to me.  Most important, you allowed me to focus on the positive things I have in my own life and what I am grateful for.

After all, I’ve been living with cancer for seven months and we’ve made no progress.  Can you imagine how frustrated I feel?  More than frustrated, for the first time I’m scared.  Although there is so much progress in cancer research, there isn’t much known about the rare kind of ovarian cancer I have.  I won’t let the fear paralize me though.

For the first time since I stared this third battle with cancer, which is ridiculous to say because no one should have to battle cancer one time let alone three times, I’m starting to doubt my ability to kick cancer’s ass.  I only doubt my ability because lately cancer has been kicking my ass.  For example yesterday I spent the entire day on the couch, sick as a dog.

Yet I am determined to keep fighting…

And to keep living…

This week I start a new chemotherapy.  On Friday to be exact.  Then on Friday night, Dude and I are going to see the Australian Pink Floyd Show.  Dude has always been a big Pink Floyd fan.  When we saw Australian Pink Floyd on PBS one evening we couldn’t believe how great they were.  He wanted to go so badly that I agreed to go…on the same night I’m having chemo.  Thank goodness for anti-nausea meds.

The following Friday, October 17th, my university is holding an Alumi dinner.  I wasn’t going to go since I’m sick and unemployed but it sucks I can always go visit my parents because they live five minutes away.  The invitation says to bring my business card for “networking” and the door-prize.  Any suggestions on how I should come up with a business card since I’m unemployed?

The final thing to look forward to this month is Avitable’s Halloween Party.  Halloween has ALWAYS been my very favorite holiday.  I really wanted to go last year but my graduation from college was a few days before and it just didn’t work out.  This could be my last Halloween so I’m going to celebrate it as if it is at Avitable’s awesome party.

I was able to find a flight on Southwest for $79 from Philly to Orlando and $99 back to Philadelphia.  Extra things like this aren’t in my budget at all but Dude persuaded me to spend the money and in return he’s picking up a couple of bills.  My experiences flying Southwest have always been very, very good too.  Especially coming home from Disney when I got very ill on the flight.

So even though I feel sick on a regular basis I’m glad I have these things to look forward to.  I’m not worried about being to ill for any of these events because I can ignore feeling pain and nausea temporarily to have a good time.  I just wish I could do it all of the time.

What are your big plans for October?  Are you planning to go Trick or Treating?

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